Dear suicidal life
From the early of 10 I have always had this overwhelming feeling of not wanting to be alive, I know I know it sounds so harsh and to some it may seem selfish but it’s the truth to my life and to so many others. The Thought of suicide as so much bad stigma around it, that it makes it so hard to ask for help. I don’t know if it’s the fact that people can’t wrap their heads around the thought of someone wanting to end their own life or if it is religious factors playing its part who knows. All I know is growing up in the time and place I did suicide was made out to be the most selfish thing on the plant and a sin to the faith I was born into. As you can image to my 10-year-old self who was experiencing suicidal thoughts my first instincts were to hide them, I also had to deal with the shame and quilt society around me made me feel. Seeking help didn’t seem like an option back then because I was so scared of being judged and that is just the sad truth about it. I went into my teens still hiding it all away, you see I learned how to hide it well on the outside I just seemed like a normal happy child to my loved ones they didn’t detect a thing and it was all working up until my late teens when alcohol and young love came into the picture.
At this point I was holding it all down, but little did I know that it was just bubbling all up to the surface. Everything was all good until a bad break up it was my first serious relationship and that’s when the heavy drinking started and all that I was trying to hide came to the surface. Most people who knew me back then would say I was a troubled but all I can remember is the pain and how much I wanted it all to end, I was self-distractive at this point, but I still didn’t seek help because of the fear I still had. This went on into my young adulthood and without the help I needed I was drowning in it all, I was so numb to life, and I was still on the path of self-destructive it wasn’t until my late twenties I was I felt brave enough to tell my mummy duck how I was feeling and that I needed help and with her support she took me to the doctors to seek help. It was of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, I had to work on myself and fight myself to be able to be where I am today. Now I’m doing a lot better but it’s still a fight and that’s ok because I now know that its ok to seek help, seeking help as changed my life for the better.
The harsh reality of the world is that like me there are so many other people who are still struggling to seek help. You see the society all around us have made us feel like seeking help is not an option, it’s just a horrible fact about our world and this will not change if we don’t create a safe place for our loved ones who suffer in silence to be able to seek help, we must let them know it is ok and that they are not alone. For men seeking help is even harder because society makes it seem like that it’s an unmanly thing to talk about their feelings, but it is a brave and courageous thing to do never feel like it’s not ok to seek help because seeking help will change your life for the better you are not alone.
As Always
Idella Lenore